Pre emtive Strike
by boshrocks
Summary: Valentines Day approaches, but the boyfriends are a little reluctant to make the effort. The girls decide to get back at them. Good old Battle of the Sexes fun. way better than it sounds...i really suck at summaries.
1. Chapter 1

"Hermione, how long do we have to keep working?" Ron moaned as they sat in the library pouring over dusty books.

"Because, Ronald, we have a huge potions exam next week." Hermione growled through clenched teeth. As much as she loved her boyfriend, he really was pushing her limit for stupidity.

Rolling her eyes at him her gaze fell instead on Harry and Ginny who had just emerged from between the shelves looking very ruffled and Ginny looked downright pissed.

"What happened?" Ron said, welcoming the distraction.

"Nothing!" Harry demanded.

"Everything!" Ginny protested simultaneously.

"You two are on the rocks again, huh?" Hermione said not looking up from her book.

"How could you tell?" Harry grumbled.

"Herm, help me find a book will you?" Ginny said, shooting daggers with her eyes at her heroic boyfriend who tried and failed to take them manfully.

Sighing Hermione got up and they wandered to a distant part of the library.

"So, what happened?" Hermione asked with some trepidation.

"Everything was going great. We were making out like we always do, then guess what, he calls me Cho!"

"Oh no. He's such an idiot."

At that moment Luna stormed over to them looking even angrier than Ginny.

"Now what's happened?" Hermione asked sympathetically.

"Neville forgot my birthday! He's done this two years running now, despite all my reminders."

"Maybe he's planning to surprise you?" Hermione tried not to roll her eyes. Luna's boyfriend Neville was very forgetful and it wasn't the first time he had forgotten something important; he constantly forgot their anniversaries. "Did you tell him it was your birthday?"

"Not today. But I mentioned it yesterday."

"Lune, you know he's not perceptive. How heavy were these hints?"

"I didn't drop hints, I dropped anvils."

"Ah. One day I will invent a rememberall for him that also tells him exactly what he's forgotten. Do you want me to remind him when we get back to the common room? Or would you enjoy that pleasure?"

Luna laughed. "Thanks Hermione. I'll have a word with him tomorrow. Several in fact. What's wrong with Ginny then?" Luna had noticed Ginny pacing angrily like a caged bear.

"Harry called her Cho again."

"Why does he do that?"

"I don't know. Boys are idiots. Ron made me explain how to make a Calming Drought about five thousand times today."

"Looks like it's a bad day, girlfriend wise. Make that a very bad day." She added as Parvati stormed towards them. "What did Seamus do this time?" Luna asked wearily.

"He's cheating on me."

"With who?" Hermione looked very puzzled.

"My own sister!" The other girls gasped in shock.

"Maybe he got confused. Perhaps he thought she was you." Hermione said placatingly.

"She wears Ravenclaw robes! Blue and brown look nothing like red and gold. He's cheating on me with my own twin."

"I heard about that. Apparently she's innocent. She doesn't know he's dating you. Apparently he told her that you had broken up." Ginny ceased her pacing and came back to join them.

"That slimeball." Luna enthused. "But I thought she was dating Dean Thomas?"

"No, he dumped her and is now dating Cho Chang."

"But she's going out with Cedric Diggory."

"Not since he broke up with her, because he realised what sexual preference he has." Ginny snorted.

"Really? Didn't see that coming." Hermione looked confused.

"Neither did she, it seems. According to my source, she walked in on him and some bloke."

"Who?"

"I heard it was Justin Finch-Fletchly." Ginny giggled as her friends laughed.

Madam Pince now chivvied them out of the library because they were making too much noise.

In the entrance hall they ran into Pansy Parkinson who was fuming.

"What's up Pans?" Hermione asked. Surprisingly they were friends. They actually had a lot in common, and could gossip away for hours.

"Draco wants me to have sex with him when I'm on the rag."

"Urgh! He's an even bigger pig than I thought."

"I hate you!" a girl shouted from nearby. Turning they saw Hannah Abbot rush down the stairs a floor above them.

"Hannah!" They saw Ernie McMillan going after her. "Don't be like that. Look, I'm really sorry."

"I should hope you are!"

"I thought we were broken up."

"Ernie, we were on a break, we were not broken up. There's a difference."

"Well not to me."

"I can't believe you slept with her." Hannah was on the point of crying. "Just leave me alone!" Hannah now came down to where the other girls were. She sank onto the steps and sobbed whilst Hermione and Parvati comforted her.

"You jerk!"

"Cho? Now what's happening?"

Cho burst out of the great hall with Dean Thomas in tow.

"Cho, please, it's not like that." Dean protested.

"So what? He just tripped and fell into your arms?" Cho screeched. "Why are all my boyfriends gay?"

Dean scowled at her and then past her to the girls she had not noticed before running off to a secret passageway that led up to Gryffindor tower. Cho turned and saw them.

"All my boyfriends turn out to be gay. Is it me?"

"No, it's not you. Besides, Harry didn't turn out to be gay."

"They did it again!" two girls shouted together from the top of the staircase. Turning they saw Alicia Spinnet and Katie Bell looking murderous.

"What did the twins do this time?" Hermione groaned. This was going to be a long night.

"They tested us again. They swapped places to see if we knew who we were dating. Again." Katie snarled. Apparently this happened a lot.

"Is today a cursed day for couples or something?" Hermione said, which produced a small humourless laugh.

"I'm telling you I didn't tell him!"

"Blaise?" Pansy said, looking towards the door that led down to the dungeons.

"Then tell me how he found out."

"Is that Lavender?" Parvati said.

"I wouldn't ever tell him."

"Go back to your hole." Lavender stomped out of the door and saw the group at the foot of the stairs.

"Did Draco find out?" Pansy asked.

"Yeah, and he went nuts. I thought you were supposed to be keeping him away tonight?"

"Painters and decorators. And we all know what he's like once he gets going."

"At least you know you're not pregnant now." Lavender shrugged.

"We've all be wronged by boys today." Hermione mused.

"So?" Pansy said.

"On the same day? It's a bit of a coincidence, isn't it?"

"It's a conspiracy." Luna said dreamily.

"Oh please!" Ginny scoffed.

"I think she's right." Hermione said, surprising everyone. "Think about it. The worst things boyfriends could do, they do today. It's far too much of a coincidence."

"But Ron didn't do anything too bad to you."

"All week he's been treating me like a fifties housewife. Making out that he's the smart one, and that he's the one that'll have a career whilst I sit home and have babies. And whenever I try to teach him anything he either claims that he knows it already, or that he doesn't need to know it, or, even worse, he acts even denser than usual so I have to go over and over it until I'm blue in the face. Sorry, rant over."

"Get it out of your system." Parvati gripped her shoulder briefly.

"What are the boys up to though? They're all acting like jerks. Hang on. Isn't it Valentines Day soon?" Hermione suddenly gasped. "Pre-emptive strike! They're getting us to break up with them so they won't have to spend money on valentines or deal with us on Valentines Day."

"The dogs!" Pansy's voice cracked as she squealed.

"Then they'll get back together with us after the day, when it's all over."

"Ron did this last year too. And Neville forgot your birthday and Valentines Day last year. Harry got all broody last year so we wouldn't go near him. I'm not sure about the other boys, but I think ours must have told them. Parvati, get Padma. Girls we are going on the offensive. I think it's time to kick those boys where the sun don't shine, don't you?" Hermione grinned at her friends, who smirked back.


	2. Chapter 2

"Ladies, welcome to my sanctum." Hermione said throwing the doors of the Room of Requirement open with a flourish.

"Wow." Ginny said awestruck, gazing around the room. It was half a library and half a science laboratory.

"This is where I find my alone time away from Harry and Ron when they're being idiots, or just generally male. Come, sit down." Hermione led the chuckling girls to a corner of the library section where there were a few sofas and comfy chairs.

"Nice hideout." Parvati said, watching her twin peruse the bookshelves.

"What's this?" Pansy picked up an ornate silver hand mirror on the coffee table in front of the sofas.

"I call that the Spy Glass. It lets you zone in on anyone in the world and watch what they're doing at that moment. I invented it. I've made lots of things in here."

"That explains the lab. But why are we here?"

"Patience Alicia. You are here because we need my inventions. I don't only invent objects, I've also invented potions and spells. Some of them can be quite nasty. Let me ask you a question. What do you want to do to the boys?" Hermione smirked smugly.

"I want to make Draco go through a period, just once, so he knows how it feels." Pansy snarled.

"We all want that."

"Can we do that?" Hannah asked.

"Easy. I can even turn them into girls if you want. It's a simple take on the Polyjuice Potion. You just substitute a few ingredients. I can reveal their female persona. In other words, I could show you what they would be like if they were women. It's all quite easy once you know the essence of the potion or spell. That works for pretty much all potions and spells."

"You can turn them into girls?"

"Uh-huh. That and more." Hermione grinned.

"What spells have you got?" Luna asked eagerly.

"My favourite has to be the wedgie spell. A magical wedgie, is a lot more painful than a regular one. I can also make them believe they've been volunteered into the Death Eaters."

"How do you do that?" Pansy giggled.

"Simple. One night when they're asleep, I go into their dorm and conjure a temporary Dark Mark tattoo onto their arms. I then implant a dream wherein they are conscripted, which then wakes them up and then they get the fright of their lives when they see what they think is the mark on their arms." Hermione checked her nails casually. "It's a great one to do on Harry."

"Definitely. Anything else?"

"Oh plenty. I can dye their hair to any colour you want. I can render them unable to speak except in song. How does irremovable makeup sound? I can do that easy. Anything you want, I can equip you with."

"Can you fit us all with these?"

Hermione turned to Padma slowly. "If you want individual revenge plans, then I may be able to help you. First you have to tell me what you want to do to the boys, and then I'll see what I can do."

"What are you going to do about Ron?" Ginny said curiously.

"I thought I might give him a scare." She rose and crossed to the lab. Delicately she took a bottle from a shelf. "I also need a bridal magazine." The room provided a stack of them on the coffee table by the sofas. "Thank you. Now girls, I may need a little help with mine."

"What do you need?" Alicia said.

"Support." Hermione smirked in a most Malfoyish manner.

Meanwhile the boys were wondering where the girls had disappeared to.

"Did it work?" Dean said.

"Possibly. They've been staying away from us for a while. Hope it does work." Ron said stretching like a cat on the couch before the fireplace in Gryffindor common room.

"Me too. I can't stand them round valentines day." Harry moaned.

"I don't think anyone can." The Weasley twins said together.

"Where have they gone though?" Neville asked nervously.

"No idea mate, but this whole pre-emptive strike thing worked like a charm. Cho won't come near me for at least a week. I must remember to thank Michael Corner sometime." Dean snorted.

"I can't believe they all fell for it." Ron chuckled.

"Works every year." Harry smiled confidently.

A second later however the smile dropped from his face as the girls stormed into the common room sending the fiercest glares towards their boyfriends.

"Something tells me they know about it." Harry pointed out.

Hermione came in last and was sobbing. Ron rose and went to hug her but she shrugged him off bad temperedly.

"It's all right." Ginny gave her a hug which she accepted.

"How come you won't hug me?" Ron protested.

"Just let it go." Hermione replied quietly.

"No, I will not. Don't keep secrets from me."

"You do!" She fired back.

Ron went to fight back but the girls immediately blocked her and berated Ron for being so inconsiderate. They then fussed Hermione up to her dorm leaving some very puzzled boys.

The next morning Harry and Ron noticed Hermione piling her plate with scrambled eggs. They stared in horror as she wolfed them down and then piled the plate up again.

"Herm, what's going on?" Ron asked tentatively. She had been on edge all morning too.

"Yeah, you're eating like, Ron-sized portions. Is something wrong?" Harry gently laid his hand on her shoulder, only to have it shrugged off.

"You want to know what's wrong? I'm late."

"Well, I don't think overeating is going to make you be on time."

Hermione reached across the table and slapped her boyfriend round the face. Then she resumed eating.

"You don't understand, moron. When a girl says she's late it means she's missed her period." She said icily, watching their reactions with her head still glaring at her plate as though it had offended her.

Realisation hit Harry. His mouth dropped open. Ron, however, was still clueless.

"So? That's not a big deal." He said stupidly. Harry whispered what it meant in his ear. Whilst he was doing so, Hermione turned to where Luna was sitting nearby on the Ravenclaw table and winked.

Ron turned pale. He swallowed audibly. "It's not true is it?"

Hermione turned back and looked at him carefully. "No." she said softly. "Not yet. We'll know for sure in a month." She ceased eating and rubbed her lower belly.

"That long?"

"Just in case, we should probably bump the wedding up, shouldn't we?" Hermione said sweetly and casually.

Ron had just taken a sip of pumpkin juice which now sprayed all over her. As calmly as she could she cleaned it off, showing her revulsion.

"W-w-what wedding?"

"Ours." She replied simply. "I'm not having this baby out of wedlock. If it even is a baby. I- not again!" She clamped a hand over her mouth and looked nauseous. Shooting a panicked look at Ginny sitting next to her she got up and ran from the hall with Luna following closely. The boys watched them go in horror.

"You better take responsibility for this, bro. She's been sick every morning for the past month." Ginny said as she rose to follow.

Ron's head dropped onto the table, making his plate and cutlery clatter. "Life as I know it is over."

"Cheer up. She probably isn't pregnant." Harry rubbed his back comfortingly.

"I'm a Weasley. And in case you hadn't noticed, we tend to make a lot of babies." Ron snapped raising his head and rubbing his eyes.

Outside the hall the girls burst into giggles. "They fell for it!"

"You're a good actress, Hermione."

"Thanks Luna. Years of practice with those two idiots. Now, Luna why don't you run along to Madam Pomfrey and tell her the plan. Later I'll take him up for a test." She said 'test' with air inverted commas. Luna grinned and dashed off.

"You're really good at this."

"At what? Scaring my friends? I have to keep myself amused somehow." Hermione and Ginny had a little private giggle. "Now, the others should also be kicking off right about now too."

Ginny looked confused. Other than Hermione's payback she didn't know what the others had in store for their boyfriends. She herself was going to do the Dark Mark one on Harry. "What are the others doing?"

"Pansy's obviously giving her period to Malfoy. Luna wanted to steal Trevor and do horrible things to him to teach Neville a lesson, but I overruled her."

"Good plan. So what's she doing to him?"

"I gave her a spell that should stop his speech and make him sing everything. He can't hold a tune to save his life so, it should be good." She laughed. "If it fails I gave her one that makes him say one phrase, of her choice, only and he won't know what he's saying either. To him he'll think he's talking normally, when he'll actually be repeating a very embarrassing phrase."

"Nice."


End file.
